The Ballad of Barry

When Barry awoke he felt it was a grand day, one of those good ones, where all goes your way!
And so it seemed true, for breakfast was great, and he got some free porno, from his best mate!
And Mr. Henderson was killed, in a Bowling horror, which meant no Maths today, and none tomorrow!
And in football, he made an awesome touch down, and noticed his muscle mass had gained a pound.
So when he opened his locker, and there was the letter, he thought to himself, man today keeps getting better!

The letter said,’ Meet me in the park at Lover Leap; make it a promise, and one that you’ll keep!’
And from its pages a scent, both familiar and exotic, made him think this vixen, must be something erotic!
(Was it that Spanish girl from the other Class C? Or that busty blonde, what’s her name, Debbie?)
Well why not, he though, as he got ready to go, I might get lucky and …well you know…
So off he ran, up to the nature park, his heart light and fluffy, when it should have been dark.
Because to bad for him, he just didn’t know, just how bad things here, were about to go!

But everything seemed alright, till he mounted that mountain, and then caught sight,
Of the female (?) creature who’d lured him there, and he found it so hard, not to gawp and stare!
She was thin and scrawny. and it was hard to grapple, but it seemed she had a large Adams Apple!
She had thick glasses, and a nose full of pits, and her cheeks where meadows of overripe zits.
Her hair was ginger, greasy and lank, and in the chest she was one flat, flat plank!
Maybe if I’m sneaky, I can turn and go? But just then she saw him and bellowed “Hello!”

“Barry you came!” she shouted with glee, “I knew this was a love that was meant to be!”
“Wait”, he said, “I haven’t a clue! What, I mean who, the hell are you?”
“I’ve been watching you” she said, “At school, you’re my kind of guy. so sexy and cool!”

“But”, he cried, “You don’t go to my High!”” I know” she purred, “I followed you, silly guy!”
“In fact I follow you wherever you go, lurking in cupboards, nooks and in shadow.
“I watch you at school, I watch you at home, wherever you go, you’re never alone!
“I want to be close to you and all that crud. Closer even then your flesh and blood!
“I even used your mum’s scent as I wrote, spraying it on my love love note!”
(Barry, remembering his thoughts on the perfume, descends momentarily, into an Oedipus gloom)
*“I know all your best food and how you munch it, heck I know you fold the loo paper and don’t care to bunch it!
“We’re destined, to be, it’s just fate! Heck I know which hand. you use to mas…”

“Wait!” Cried Barry, “this is all too much! I see you and reality are out of touch!”
“Why did you stalk me I’ve done nothing to you?”” Exactly” she cried, “there’s so much you could do!”
“I don’t know you! You creepy stalker chick! Just like your glasses, you’re thicker then thick!
“I don’t want you, so go away, talk about ruining, my perfect day!”

“What?” She cried, tears in her eyes, “Man you’re just like all the other bad guys!”
“Yeah” he said “who knew, that guys wouldn’t be into a creepo like you!”
“But Barry” she yelled, “It’s you that I love, come to my arms my sweet turtledove!”
“No!!” said Barry, “I’m outta here! This is enough to drive any guy queer!”

“If you go”, she screeched,” I’ll jump off this ledge, don’t push me man, I’m right on the edge!”
“Go ahead” said Barry doubting she would, “Maybe it’s best? Maybe you should!”
She stared at Barry her eyes full of tears, he was not the guy she’d stalked all these years!

She couldn’t take it, she hadn’t got him, so she leapt off the cliff and hit rock bottom!
Barry gave a yell and grabbed her scarf in a blur, but it came up alone, missing the rest of her.
(And as the rest was not so lucky, what was left over was rather yucky)
Oh no, thought Barry and let out a groan, does this mean I have to clean this all on my own?

But as Barry was dealing with terrible trauma, (over a girl who looked like a tomato shwarma)
Some vultures landed out of the blue, and a pack of wolves came (We have wolves? Who knew?)
And they swarmed the ex-girl, largest to least, and part took off this, bloody meat feast.
Barry crawled away from the edge of the rock, still shaken and stirred and covered in shock.
(It would take a lot of counseling, and a big cheese Mac, before he ever managed, to get back on track).
Years later he published this as a story, and got lots of royalties, because people love gory.
And through it all, he was sure, that girl would not be bitter, as she got digesting in some scavenger critter.

So I guess be careful about the company you keep, and don’t go jumping off cliffs that are too steep!
(And hey now I don’t want to hear a single peep, no one said this story was deep!)
THE END